Cycles

I've just rolled out of bed on a Sunday morning, well afternoon anyhow.

I don't think this post is going to be very manic, or very flash. I've just been thinking about my time here in good ole Calgary Alberta Canada. Sorry about all this but I'm afraid this post will have a bit of a down note, I don't know. What ever it is, it's just how I feel...Period.

Today is the last day of a vacation I took from work. Much needed I think since I've been there a year now. I've had time to think and sadly, a lot of it hasn't been good...although I admit some of it has. Nostalgia of this time last year sometimes brings me to my knees, as I was very happy then, not so much now. So I think what I'm going to do is list some stuff that I'm happy about, and list some stuff that's getting me down and see how it balances out.

Always the bad first I think.

Last year..I was very happy with someone...well I mine as well get this out of the way.....

Right about now last year it was a peak of that happiness...and I'm hit with all types of confusion mostly as to why it changed. It doesn't matter. All in all things are done, stuff is said, and all I can do is hope that I was important in some way. Perhaps I still am.

Been at my job for a year, and I must say I like being employed. But over the past year, I've been hit with more responsibilities with less incentive backing it all up. In other words they want me to do more for less. in the past 2 months we got a new manager...who in all fairness kicks ass in attitude..but there are certain things I need that are not being provided.
When I moved into my new place my rent doubled, and 9 months with out some kind of raise is bullshit, especially when I was promised one. This is a bit draining.

I recently visited my family, this will be in the good section as well though.....

My cousin is having an issue with going out of the house. He gets panic attacks when he does. Most of the time anyhow. He's afraid of things, and on a level I can understand it. There doesn't seem to be anything medical related to this as far I saw when I was there, although he does seem convinced that leaving the house is a bad Idea. My Grandmother, who inherited him and his brother when their mother committed suicide right after their birth, is not a fan of normal brain science. She doesn't like any form of pill that messes with your head, and fair enough. I don't like them either, but in some cases, they are very much needed. Unfortunately, if this was the case with my seemingly agoraphobic cousin, he wouldn't get the help he needed because my grandmother is dead set against it. She is all about the "Natural Path" Doctor and the Chiropractic remedies. This wouldn't bother me except for the fact that she believes these 2 types of medicine can fix anything, and to boot, she has slowly conditioned these boys into thinking this as well and that is what I don't like. Not a day goes by where she doesn't remind those kids that they are allergic to something, or not to over exert themselves and go too far away. My grandmother has spoiled these children since day one. They have always eaten whatever they liked, whenever they liked, so they are both overweight. My Grandmother always told them its a "Medical issue" and they are out of breath all the time because of "Asthma"
The first time they went to school they were teased and made fun of, so Grama took em right out..and they've never been back since...gifting them with a sheltered existence..save the Internet.
Wow this is a bit long......so...to the point....

My grandmother doesn't want to be alone, and this fear helped my cousins to manifest.....and even talking to him about his issue, there wasn't a time that my grandmother didn't but in, saying he was "still sick from the flue and the virus" or how "so many allergies are in the air and that for right now it's best for him to stay in anyhow"
I wanted to help but realised I couldn't. Speaking against my Grandmother isn't a good thing..one of her daughters tried it, and is now dis owned. Out of the 4 children she had, one is alive and in good graces...and that's my mom. 2 are dead from suicide, and the other is dis owned.
It didn't help things when I found out my agoraphobic cousin has stated thoughts of self ending because of his issues.
All of this brings me down a bit...to say the least. It puts stress on my mom and I knowing that Grama doesn't have a lot of time left...and guess who get to take care of these boys when she goes. Not to mention her compulsive gambling, which is leading to the extinction of the family estates and money.
My Grandmother of course, could stop all of these things....but won't..and that's the one thing people do I loath. Knowing something is wrong and doing nothing.


Well.....got that off my chest.....now time to switch..to some of the awesome things that have happened to me.


I've gotten to see my mom more this year than in the few years previous and that's made both of us happy.
Despite the job sucking, I'm rolling on my own steam.....took long enough but I'm there. For a long time I was leaching off the family estate to live, and then for a while I was receiving disability money from the government for my eye sight...but no more. To some that isn't much. To me it's almost everything.

I'm in a fookin BAND and things are sounding great! I honestly believe we're going to make it somewhere...if by chance we don't, I still met Neal Visher...one of the best Friends anyone can have. If you want to hear one of out completed songs...click HERE!

The reason I was happy last year...and not so much now....apologised for the caused hurt.
Took a while, but it is good to know that I was important and that my effect was positive, and that positivity didn't waste away.

I also have new prey I chase......the hunt so far is uncertain....so who knows...but I know this.

I like hunting......and my prey is proving good sport.....

I'm alive, I'm healthy, and I'm surrounded by the best.

That puts everything into perspective :)

Thanks Everyone......